He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
