Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
