and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
