at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
