I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
