it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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