Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
