I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
