I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
