I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
