I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
