Dual....:-)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
