Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
