fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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