Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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