i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
