The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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