Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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