how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
