Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
