I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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