I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
