Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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