If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
