I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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