Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Found the puke drawer
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
