I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
