They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
this is an emotional support booty call
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
