do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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