i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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