Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
