No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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