I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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