i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
