I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
