mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
