you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
