Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
