i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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