I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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