How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
