My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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