if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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