I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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