You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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