Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just pee around me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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