He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
