I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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