Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
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