i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
