his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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