Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
