I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
