when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
