I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
