Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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