when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
