sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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