i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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