I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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