he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
