I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need a beard to bite.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
