Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
